I’m psychotic, literally. I’m a nutcase, a crazy, a lunatic, everyfuckingwordthatshurtfulunderthesun.

I might look hot to you, but I am nuts. Then again, every girl looks hot to any guy. Men are fucking pigs.

So I clearly don’t know where to fucking begin. I have an incredible amount of things I want to say, a lot of dirt that I want to put out in the open so I can make it clear and definitive as to why I act the way I do.

I’ve completely lost it. I’m being as serious as I can be right now, without stopping to wipe the tears off my face. I’m not sure what the triggers are for my random bouts of sadness but it’s a perfect opportunity to express my utmost inner emotions through ramblings on tumblr. I DON’T EVEN FUCKING LIKE TUMBLR, WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS.

I’m a really jaded, self-hating person. There’s a ton of reasons behind this, and they’ve made me who I am today. I’m a complete and utter cunt. I can say that with the most respect for myself because if you continue reading on, you’ll understand what I’ve been through and why I am the way I am.

Men suck. I found out that I actually can’t open up to anyone anymore, that my trust has been shattered completely and I will always have my doubts when it comes to anyone approaching me. My self esteem is incredibly shitty and that just increases my doubts even more, that and the fact that I’ve been treated like shit by men all my fucking life.

I’m swearing like a sailor today, that’s so unlady like of me.

Anyways; back to what I was saying. It all started out on a brisk winter night at the age of 16. I had no say in losing my virginity, TO A BOYFRIEND, and let’s just leave it at that. That’s when my issues first started, and that’s what made me feel like all men want is just to satisfy their own sexual desires without realizing that I’m a human being with feelings and emotions that I can not control.

I thought I was at fault, I was led to BELIEVE that I was at fault for initially going to his place in the first place. I’m sorry, nobody asks to get assaulted like that. Drugging me and then claiming that I seduced YOU isn’t excusable either. What-fucking-ever, I forgave you at the time but you completely changed me as a person for the rest of my life and I fucking hate you with all my guts for that.

From then on, I felt like I was merely an object. That my only purpose to men in life was to satisfy them physically, and not emotionally. I was never the funniest, prettiest, or smartest girl around, and I actually believed that men would respect me as a person if I looked as hot as shit.

Enter modelling.

So clearly, I sold myself out with pretty slutty photos being half naked in attempts of attracting a potential prince charming. For some flawed logic and reasoning I actually thought that a guy would value me because of the amount of other men that wanted to ‘get it in’. Cool, it worked for a bit, I met a few guys who treated me like shit and cheated on me regularly. Cool, I also have people shit talking me to this day about my lingerie photos? Grow the fuck up. I realized that wasn’t the right path for me, it’s called growing up.

That just added fuel to the fire, it made me get into this vicious cycle of dating assholes, getting hurt, not trusting men again, dating assholes, getting hurt, not trusting men again, etcetera. Not once did I ever feel valued for who I am as a human being, not once did I feel beautiful (even though I was constantly lied to by guys trying to get with me in attempts of actually sleeping with me). To this very day, my trust is zilch. I can’t open up anymore in fears of getting hurt again.

Why waste time? That’s my philosophy. Why did I make myself miserable and why did I develop a stupid addiction in trying to make myself look “better”, in hopes of meeting someone that treats me right?

With this mentality of mine, I can not remember the last time I was sober, completely free of any substance in my body. It’s the only way I can deal with people, and it’s the only way I can deal with my day to day life in a manner which isn’t completely loathsome to myself. If my friends can remember the last time I was sober, please let me know.

WHICH brings me to my next point, Who the fuck cares if my tits are ugly? Who the fuck CARES that I look like a man? I didn’t fucking care until men made me feel brutally insecure about myself. Guess who wants to get implants now, guess who considered even doing the unthinkable to attain them. Sup.

That being said, when it actually came down to it, I couldn’t actually bring myself to do it. Selling myself out for the satisfaction of knowing that guys would enjoy seeing me naked more isn’t really a pleasant idea at all. Kudos to the girls that can actually do it though, more power to them I guess.

I will always feel inferior, ugly, and just plain ol’ not good enough for anyone. I’m not looking for sympathy or anything, I’m just venting on a public blogging website which I’m sure is going to come back and bite me on the ass later on. Sometimes I wish I was like all the other girls and led a normal and stable life.

I look at everyone else and think ‘man, they are so beautiful, why can’t I look like them? Why can’t I just have a normal life for a change and stop being stressed and anxious all the time?”.

My anxiety is brutal, by the way. It constantly feels like I’m disassociated from the world, like I’m living in some technicolor fantasy where everyone’s just out to get me.

Now I’m conceited, self-loathing/full of myself at the same time to shut people out. It works for the most part, and it really does keep me from being vulnerable and meeting another asshole ever again. I pity myself for the way things have turned out so far, and I’m not optimistic about the future at all. This is such a compelling rant on a Thursday evening, I should go drink again or something.

s, over and out.